A Question of Feelings
Sun was about to dive below the horizon, my stereo was playing Rag Marwa. It brings somber feelings and mood. The street lights were just switched on, but they did not appear fully bright in the residual light of dusk. A flock of egrets was flying south. Perhaps they were returning to their nests.
I was sitting on the terrace of my house when Lulu, my parrot, flew in and settled on the top bar of jhula.
“What’s on? How are you feeling? Lost in your thoughts?” Lulu bent down from his high position on top of jhula.
“I was thinking…. I am seventy. None of my relatives, except one, have lived beyond seventy-five.”
“So what?”
I picked up my coffee mug. “So, I guess I do not have more than five years to go.”
“Five years to go? If only life was so predictable! Nobody can predict what’s going to happen next day and you are talking about five years. Phew! You seem to be in blue mood.”
“Hmmm…..”
“Old persons often think of some regrets they carry. I want to ask you ….”
“Tell me”
“What’s your greatest regret?”
“My greatest regret so far? Well, that’s interesting. Let me think. Why one, I have two regrets. First, I wanted to learn Hindustani Classical Music, but I never did.”
“Why?”
“I really don’t know why my parents did not arrange it.”
“Why didn’t you learn when you were earning and old enough?”
“I thought I was too old to start learning music.”
“But many persons have started learning in their fifties.”
“I know. Somehow, I could not gather enough courage to enrol for a music tuition. I had concluded that the age for learning had long passed, so I did not make any effort.”
“Is that causing you a regret? Because you have to blame only yourself?
“Hmmm…. Now that you say….. Yes, I think.”
“And the second?”
“I wish I had had the courage to express my feelings. That, I think, hurts more than the first.”
“Arre! I always thought of you as an outspoken man.”
“That’s true. I speak my mind. But that is different from having the ability to express feelings. It surely requires courage to express feelings in some situations. Even outspoken men get tongue-tied in some situations.”
“What did you lose by not expressing feelings?”
“That’s a tough one to answer. I have lost a friend or two because I did not speak my feelings, and got misunderstood. Or it damaged some relationships beyond repair. You only curse yourself in such situations.”
“Why do you think it happened?”
“Hmmm…. I can only guess. Perhaps I must have carried the belief that expressing feelings is so feminine. I wonder how we catch such notions. And how they stay rooted deep in our mind. Or maybe the fear of intimacy”
“That may be true. Think hard, there could be more reasons.”
“Confused. I was confused. There is always a point in conversations when you express it. And intense conversations move with the speed of light. If you don’t catch the moment, you have lost it.”
“To express or not to express! This is so ‘Hamletish’! People get confused because they try to live a life expected of them by others.”
“You said it, Lulu. It takes a long time not to live by expectations of others. Maybe it is the price you pay for growing up.”
“You say that’s the price you pay for growing up. Interesting.”
“Hmmm… “
“And you said that being tongue-tied cost you some friends, and some relationships. How about making amends now?”
“No. Some of those people are gone. They are not there anymore. And even if a few were available, I will make a fool of myself by speaking about it now.”
“You think that the time to make amends has long passed – similar to not enrolling for music. You want to keep the wound bleeding – is that what you really want?”
“I do not know….”
“That may be because you think you still have five years to make amends.”
Smirk on Lulu’s face was unmistakable. The westerly wind was blowing and it was moving the swing gently.
Vivek S Patwardhan
Feature Pic Courtesy Jehyun Sung on Unsplash
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” **** “Aroehan: Creating Dream Villages in Mokhada by 2025: “No Malnutrition Deaths, No Child ‘Out of School’, Reduction in migration by 50%.”
Feelings like us are not forever. So, regret one moment, grief another, joy another and anger another.
Lulu lives in our hearts and you in us.
I know of premonition feelings you have shared with me. This post may not be in the same league.
An extended reflection as this is more like seeing yourself accept the death of some moments gone by.
The feelings associated with terminality are taboo for most. Even my 22 year old son protested my being curious of how young children process the prospect of seeing somebody they knew no more. I mentioned that children do not process death in terminal terms. The conception of irreversibility is far more complex to register. At best it can be explained concretely with examples of hair lost at the barber shop. They don’t sit on the head anymore.
Your post at your age overcomes such taboo. See the benefit of being outspoken?
To express or not to express ..a very poignant question. Sometimes you lose friends when you express sometimes when you dont . Sometimes when you express you let people peep into your world . Not sure if its about feminine nature but also our cultural mindset and upbringing, our misplaced sense of privacy .
Beautiful musings Sir .
Such a deep thought, captured so beautifully and delicately.
All our life we want to belong and deep down carry fear of intimacy.
How we complicate between desires and aspirations.
If only we could meet Lulu every day to remind us 🙂
Very well written… संध्याकाळ आणि मारवा…. कोण अंतर्मुख होणार नाही? पण पाच वर्षेच राहिली आहेत असे उदास विचार का?
कवि बा.भ.बोरकर म्हणतात…..
पिलास फुटूनी पंख तयांची घरटी झाली कुठे कुठे
ही तर आपुली कांचन संध्या मेघडंबरी सोनपुटे
तेव्हा हा काळ म्हणजे कांचनसंध्या. I have written one poem on Marwa… May be I will share with you at some opportune time. That’s one of the ragas very close to my heart.Nishad and Rushabh in Marwa ….I have no words to describe.
BTW, I also read your earlier blog on life experience. From the reference of your father and mother in that blog, it looks like that’s based on your personal experience. Very touching.
Shrikant Kale
Such a deep one yet simple! Made me think and reflect. Very well written.
Dear Mr. Patwardhan
As usual your Posting is short and loaded wit good message. For your information in my case, because of my outspoken attitude few have started distancing from me, Hence I became an introvert. Never the less, to counter the Virus Of Ignorance We continuously need Vaccines Of intellect from People of Greatness like Vivek, Wish you Age beyond 75 breaking your family Longevity
Aravamudhan
Our feelings remain closest to our hearts, however it is a tough ask to decipher them.
By the time we articulate & bind sufficient courage to express, you are right Sir, it may have been late.
To express or not….to learn or not is a dilemma which is all pervasive.
But
Age sir is a number in our mind
And
Every interaction with you is about learning and looking at it from new perspective.
Zindagi ka safar…hain yeh kaisa safar
Koi samjha nahi…koi jaana nahi ?
Hello Sir,
What a lovely post. Touching the soul. And very beautifully you have said – ‘intense conversations move at the speed of light. If you dont catch the moment, you have lost it.’ That is so so true, and I have so often found that happening. Some conversations have to happen right then, not later, not with a lot of after thought. It could change everything.
Another thing which resonates with me is this whole growing up business, and learning to not to live by others expectations. Oh over the years, every time I think I have overcome this deep necessity to comply with other’s expectation, I find yet another layer within, which still needs approval. How many more layers? and how many more years will it take?
Love your post Sir
Super post Sir. Thought provoking and showing the path at the same time. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Inspiring and well written.
Yes. We are so conditioned.
I am confronting myself as I write this.
I am a human being and let me confront what I want out of this life. Answers may not be simple. Why? Because one has to rid oneself of all the conditioning right from childhood. You take away that conditioning, and it is scary because you have nothing to hold on to, no justification, no nail to hang your dirty clothes etc You then start staring at the stark reality, yourself as a human being with your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, insanity, trickery, foolery, shadow, the Hyde in you. It’s scary . But unless that disrobing happens, you cant transform anew.
Is it possible, yes. Is it easy, No ?