Love and The Ship of Theseus
“Interesting,” I said. “Read this. Do you know that Salamander can regrow its tail completely?”
“Really?” asked Lulu, my parrot. “Amazing. Carnivores biting off its tail will not have pangs of conscience.”
“Ha ha!” Nina, my myna laughed. “Plants keep growing even if we cut them. But homo sapiens are not so lucky.”
“That’s true. We do not regrow our limbs. But homo sapiens have a great ability to reinvent themselves. Unlike other animals.” I replied.
“Some animals can grow a part of their body. Human beings grow their various abilities, that’s the difference.”
“Yes Nina, there was a boy in my class who was likeable though aggressive, and at times difficult to manage. He grew up to be a good leader and was loved by people.”
“His mother would have seen him change and must have loved him all the way in spite of his aggressive behaviour in the young days. Mothers have this special quality – they accept you as you are and facilitate constant evolution of a person.” Lulu, my parrot said.
“People evolve, but they also lose very loveable aspects of their personality. Little ones are so full of vitality, they grow up to become very circumspect people. I miss that vitality which my children and grandchildren had in their young days.”
“”Loving someone is attending a thousand funerals of the people they once used to be. That’s what Heidi Priebe says.” Nina, my myna chipped in.
“What?”
“Loving someone is attending a thousand funerals of the people they once used to be.” Nina repeated.
“Means ‘long-term love involves accepting and honoring the constant evolution of a person.’ I had to google to get the meaning!”
“This is so true. Parents would tell you a hundred stories about how their child was a funny boy or girl and in the same breath they tell you that he or she is now a cardiac surgeon.” Lulu said.
“True, they love his or her constant evolution or transformation, though they miss the previous version of their child”
“Snakes shed their skins when they outgrow it and with it, they shed parasites too.”
“Ha ha! Not a nice example. I can’t imagine human beings shedding their skin! Larva to butterfly is a better example.” Nina said.
“This is all about shedding one’s identity. And acquiring a new one.”
“A question of Identity! That reminds me of a thought experiment – ‘The Ship of Theseus.’ If you replace few parts of the ship, is it the same ship? And if you replace all parts of the ship, is it the same ship?”
“Now! That’s a riddle!! I have seen people buying an old car and refitting its parts to make it a shining new car; I watched it on Discovery channel. Same or different? Well, my answer is ‘same’.” I spoke.
“I would disagree. How can you call it the same car?”
“That’s the point. It is a paradox. A paradox is ‘is a statement that is self-contradictory because it contains two components that are both true, but in general, cannot both be true at the same time.’”
“Interesting! An aggressive boy grows up as a thoughtful leader, is he the same person? A little girl who enjoyed fun and frolic becomes a cardiac surgeon, is she the same person?” Lulu observed.
“Yes and no! Ha ha!!” said Nina.
“We meet people who grow up, shed aspects of their personality, acquire new aspects, some may be to our liking and others otherwise. The real question is whether you love this transition in them, whether you continue to love them despite their some not-so-likeable aspects.”
“This will keep me thinking for a long time. People are imperfect. Long term love for someone means learning acceptance and does not come easily to me.” Lulu said.
“Yes. A part of me must be replaced to become an empathic and open-minded person. I think I am also like the Ship of Theseus!” I said as Lulu and Nina moved closer to me.
PS: Image by Kerstin Reimer on Pixabay
Vivek S Patwardhan
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” All matter copyrighted.
New born’s shed skin cells, hair and painfully milk tooth while growing up “physically” the identification tag “NAME” mostly by parents bears 1 life times role…but are we same really innocent, childish, cute the original “@ Birth” or as we say for product “factory setting” !!!
Thanks Vivek …yes nothing is permanent, whether in body or mind . The word ‘ Paradox’ is very apt . Our own views and perceptions on the same subject change over the years.
I recall an incident in 1980/81 in Pune . A dynamic IPS Officer took me alongwith him to the Police Ground . He showed me a group of 10-12 recruits inducted into the newly set up ‘anti-goonda squad’ undergoing training. He then informed me that half of them were history sheeters themselves !! Yes, the authorities were taking a novel approach . It exposed me to an Out of Box thinking. I could not come to terms to accept this novel approach.
Yes,have learnt to take contradiction and Paradox in their stride
“A question of Identity! That reminds me of a thought experiment – ‘The Ship of Theseus.’ If you replace few parts of the ship, is it the same ship? And if you replace all parts of the ship, is it the same ship?”- As usual a wonderful reminder – of how we love conditionally vs unconditionally. Sir, you have captured the essence of loving with such beautiful examples. This will be a special masterpiece for me to re-visit.
Insightful post sir. Psychoanalysts have an interesting perspective on Love- They distinguish between
1) Falling in love
2) Falling out of love
3) Remaining in love.
To remain in love one has to go beyond acceptance and digest ambivalence. Otto Kernberg and Salman Akhtar have interesting observations on the topic you have written.
I was reading somewhere….each child born to same parent has had a different childhood experience and memories. Even if they are twins. The parent is a different person to the child.
Similarly people we know change and the relationship evolves….it’s different from when it started off with. We need to be mindful of the same.
In the family…it’s most difficult as a parent to realize that you child is now a matured adult capable of taking his / her decision. Giving freedom and trusting the child is critical for the relationship to stay alive and evolving. Specially in family situations sometimes the relationships get stuck in a time wrap.
However the other reality also is that the relationships you had when you were young / school / child …maybe deeper / stronger as compared to formed in adulthood. My relationships with my school friends is different from friends made in layer years of life.
Again a research I had read that school / college friends help you relax and de stress as compared to your office colleagues / network. Guess there is no ‘ position ” or privelge in the former as compared to later where there are guards.
Thank you for making us think of the different perspectives of relationship and reminding us that it is constantly evolving.
We are all constantly changing. And so is the darling beloved or daughter or parents, friends. And we keep getting to know each other, accept and love each other. Each time challenging and changing self – including for becoming more empathic and open. I am curious where and how soul fits in this picture?
Very nicely articulated Sir
Very very true Sir.
In my own experience, I have seen Leaders still looking at people by the impressions that they sighted in the first few years they had worked together.
Such leaders fail to see and recognise the transformation in people and ignore this very talent readily available with them.
Which only shows, these leaders have not transformed.