The Last Birth
“Did you meet her?” Lulu, my parrot, asked.
“Yes”
“Is she okay?” Nina, my myna, asked.
“Yes, probably. She was not crying”
Silence followed. Nobody spoke for a while.
“It was not her fault. He should not have divorced her. Irresponsible man!”
“He should not have divorced her, I agree.”
“Timid guy. He had fathered the child”
“It was a ‘special child.’ Lifelong burden of caregiving. That’s a burden some people do not wish to take.”
Silence. Silence pregnant with anger.
“He has shirked his responsibility. Now she will have to look after the child.”
“No choice. She will have to be father and mother to her daughter.”
“That’s tough. Very tough! And though divorced, second marriage is ruled out for her.”
“Loneliness will be unbearable for her, not to mention the feeling of being cheated”
“Gradually she will settle down in the new life, I hope her family supports her”
“Parents of a special child ask this question ‘Why me?’”
“It is an unspoken question. It eats your mind like a termite”
“True. That question is asked to the God.”
Long silence. Sighs. Nina, my myna, broke the silence.
“’Why me’ is a complaint. I have seen many parents of special child. They gradually move from complaint to commitment.”
“That’s a long journey. Complaints come from head, commitments come from heart.”
“Have you read Lisa Ray’s autobiography?”
“Lisa Ray? The Bollywood star?”
“Yes. She was asked by an old man ‘What is the farthest distance a man can travel?”
“The answer?”
“From temple, he put his one hand on the temple, to heart, as he put his second hand on his chest.”
“Temple to heart is the longest distance. I got it. You mean the longest distance we can travel is from complaint to commitment.”
“The single mothers of special children unfailingly travel it”
“That’s interesting. Arun Shourie’s son was a spastic child. He has written about it in his book ‘Does He Know A Mother’s Heart’. His wife suffered Parkinson’s.
“Oh, double whammy!”
“Shourie too found solace in Buddhism”
“Those who have a special child turn to God. Maybe to philosophy.”
“I remember the poem, prayer actually, of Rabindranath Tagore. I have the Marathi version, ‘विपत्तीत सर्व जगाने वंचना केली/ आणि तू सांत्वना दिली नाहीस तरीही/ मी तुझ्याबद्दल शंकित होऊ नये/ एवढीच माझी प्रार्थना असेल!’”
“Let me translate it for you … ‘Even if the world does not stand by me when I face a calamity, and even if you do not comfort me, I should not doubt you, that would be my only prayer!’”
“That’s so beautiful …”
“They certainly become spiritual, they may not become religious”
“’Spirituality is an individual’s internal, subjective search for meaning, connection, and personal experience of the divine,’ my ChatGPT informs me”
“Search for meaning! Charles Handy says, ‘God is shorthand for the Goodness in you’”
“And Osho says, ‘You cannot become God, but you can be godly’”
“Wendell Berry wrote in one of his poem: And we pray, not/ for new earth or heaven, but to be/ quiet in heart, and in eye/ clear. What we need is here.”
“Wonderful. All this is fine, but the reality is that the parents of special children suffer hardship, problems and situations for which they are not prepared”
“When a special person, a man in his mid-thirties, passed away, I spoke to people and realized that all people around him had always offered him love and help. Somehow the special person brought out the best in people around him.”
“He was not unwanted person, you mean?”
“Certainly not.”
“There is a belief that for special children it is their last birth, they attain Moksha thereafter. Such souls choose their parents so that they too evolve searching goodness or godliness.”
“Interesting! In a reversal of roles, the special child causes its parents to move to a higher level of spirituality! Isn’t that interesting?”
“Wow! This will take a while to sink in.”
Lulu, my parrot and Nina, my myna, moved closer to me. There are times when our minds are in sync, and such moments are precious.
Image by Lukas Baumert from Pixabay
Vivek S Patwardhan
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” All matter copyrighted.
Special child …is truly a experience for the parent and care giver. One needs immense patience and love to manage a special child. And then many a times the potential of special child is revealed….a artist writer or someone who is able to view life from a different lense.
Care giving and loving & caring for a person ( special child or sibling or a parent ) is truly a spiritual experience ….and helps the person to maintain balance and focus.
Mr VS Ram writes:
Your blog on special children resonated with us, especially with Radhika who has dealt with special kids all her life. The part about single parents is very true as many heartless husbands walk out of a marriage after fathering a child with disabilities. The moksha angle is new, a good answer to the parents who say ‘why me?’. So the divorcing father forfeits blessings offered to him in a platter. Sounds right!
Dear Vivek,
A very thought provoking blog. I have seen special children at close quarters and once they stop complaining and accept the reality, there is a very special bond that develops. They are called special because they are special. I was reminded of a story in Readers Digest several years ago that was about a “Blue Rose”. The article said that we are used to seeing roses in all colours but don’t expect to see a Rose in Blue. When that happens, it is special. I have seen special children always being positive, extremely affectionate, bring cheer and ask innocent questions. The family lives with significant inconveniences. Once the move to committment takes place, the parents learn new things, get new insights to accept, love and grow!
Sir i remember we spoke about this.
I cannot even imagine the love and commitment a mother has in her heart to handle the months and years of care taking.
The journey from the temple (head) to commitment (heart) is indeed the longest.
Such a touching post, Vivek Sir.
I personally know of incredibly strong mothers — and many parents — who walk this journey every single day with resilience and quiet strength. It takes much more than courage to stand tall and be consistently present for a special child.
Supporting such causes has always been close to my heart. The delicate balance between understanding the emotional realities families go through and meaningfully contributing support is something I deeply value and wish to continue pursuing.
Respect and admiration to all such parents who inspire us through their strength. Thank you for bringing this up.
— Vinu Pillai
Dear VSP
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece
Our eldest grandson is a special child. So I can very well relate to the blog
Our son and daughter-in-law take care of him with all the love in the world and have taken career decisions so that he gets all the required attention.
What you mention about these ‘special’ children is so very true. He has a clean heart and goodness oozes from every pore of his body!
We are extremely proud of our son & daughter-in-law for what they do for him.. ( rather I should say HIM)
VSP Sir,
“There is a belief that for special children it is their last birth, they attain Moksha thereafter. Such souls choose their parents so that they too evolve searching goodness or godliness.”
This was actually told to my wife and I by a Varma therapy guru we had met very early when my daughter was going through her endless therapies. She is Autistic (mild ASD).
He also told me, “Don’t ask ‘Why me?’ Ask ‘Why not me?’ God gave you this child because He believes you are meant to be her parents.”
That sentence has stayed with me for years.
Whenever life felt heavy, I went back to those words. When my wife and I felt helpless… I told myself, Why not me? Maybe I was chosen to stand strong when she couldn’t.
When my son struggled through his teenage years and every day felt uncertain… I reminded myself, Why not me?
When the company I work for was just a small team with big dreams and bigger doubts… I thought, Why not me? Maybe I was meant to build it brick by brick, lesson by lesson.
That one shift — from “Why is this happening to me?” to “Why was I chosen for this?” changed everything.
Today, when I look back at our journey with our daughter, I don’t see a challenge anymore.
Read this today. Read all the comments too.
I completely agree that just changing our mindset on being single parent /caregiver brings out such a sea change in the quality of our lives and those around us.
The other aspect of living each day well, stays with me.
In the middle of all the AI articles that I keep consuming. Thank you for reminding me of my humanity. You are my balance in life.