“Wow! Photo album!” Lulu, my parrot, said. “Quite a collection, I say. Must be about a hundred photographs of you two in it.”

Nina, my myna, excitedly hopped forward. “Let me see” she said. “Wow, yes, quite a collection. Only your DW, as you call her, and you.”

“What’s DW?” Lulu asked.

“Ha ha! Means ‘Darling Wife!’” Nina responded and both laughed.

“You are not saying anything” Lulu nudged me.

“These photographs remind me of our fifty years together” I said as I picked up my specs to have a good look at the photographs. “Fifty years of marriage. Fifty years of togetherness. How time flies!”

“Someone has said, ‘Fifty years of putting up with each other deserves a medal.’”

“Trust Nina for blurting out such quotes. Tell me how it is to be with each other for such a long time?”

“Oh, Lulu, you are asking such difficult questions.”

“You can’t run away from it, tell us please.”

I picked up my coffee and took a long, good sip. It helps one to get time to compose thoughts. I realised that Lulu, my parrot and Nina, my myna were ‘all-ears’ as they say.

Nina broke the silence. “What does that long silence and nervous smile tell us?”

“Yes, it is a difficult question – ‘how it is to be with each other for such a long time.’ I mean, so many things happen in fifty years. We remain focused on events and thoughts. You are asking me a question about feelings. And about experiencing each other.”

Neither Lulu nor Nina spoke. They waited for me to continue. Silence built up pressure on me, and my nervousness grew exponentially.

“It was an arranged marriage” I began and stopped. I did not know what to say further. Lulu and Nina were listening attentively, but they chose not to interrupt.

I took a deep breath and asked, “Have you heard of ‘Porcupine Dilemma?’”

“No” said Lulu. Nina also nodded her head to indicate she did not know too. “What’s Porcupine Dilemma?”

“Do you know Hedgehog Dilemma?” 

“No. Do not ask counter questions. What have these dilemmas to do with our question – ‘how it is to be with each other for such a long time?’”

“Ok, ok. Listen to me please. Both these are the names for the same dilemma. Wiki explains it well – ‘The Porcupine dilemma or the Hedgehog dilemma is a metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, to avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines.’”

“Hmmm …. You said, ‘it’s a metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy.’ Wow! This is so true. There is a popular Marathi saying, ‘”तुझं नि माझं जमेना, परी तुझ्या वाचून करमेना” which means “Can’t get along with you, but can’t live without you too.””

“You got it, Lulu.”

“People had understood the Porcupine dilemma long before Schopenhauer gave it a name.”

“Are you saying you cannot escape the Porcupine Dilemma? No solution?”

“Trust you Nina for asking such searching questions. The first step is to accept individuality; accept that your spouse is different from you, he or she comes with different life experiences and perspectives.”

“Accepting individuality is easy said than done.” Lulu said and continued, “You accept individuality when your child is born. The child is like you and yet not like you in many ways. And you accept.”

“That is insightful. You accept because the child does not have ‘quills’ like porcupine. And children grow quills when they grow as adults.”

We had a hearty good laugh.

“Yes, adults have quills; our ego is our quills. It is thorny. Hurts others. And that makes intimacy difficult. Have you not seen ‘Abhiman’ movie?” 

“Well, it is seen in almost every movie.”

“Drop your ego, accept and respect individuality – that is the message to live a good and happy marital life. Yes, that is the message.” Nina said and hopped closer.

“I was twenty-five when I married her, and I am seventy-five today. I am still learning to drop my quills.” I said and looked at Lulu and Nina.

“It will take a long time, very few can achieve it. Feeling the warmth of relationship and respecting your partner for what she or he is, holds the key.”

“It is interesting; it is a lifelong puzzle.”

“Right! ‘The solution often turns out more beautiful than the puzzle.’ That is what Richard Dawkins said.”

A long silence followed. We were thinking ….

“Doesn’t a good, open and insightful conversation like this bring us closer?” Nina asked.

“Perhaps therein lies the key” Lulu said.

Lulu and Nina hopped closer to me. Then they flipped wings and perched on my shoulders.

Vivek S Patwardhan

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” All matter copyrighted.

“तुम्ही जो वारसा मागे ठेवून जाता, तो म्हणजे दगडी स्मारकांवर कोरलेले शब्द नव्हे; तर तो वारसा म्हणजे इतरांनी आयुष्य विणताना विणले गेलेले तुमचे धागे होत.” सर्व मजकूर कॉपीराइट-संरक्षित आहे.